How Kids Show You They’re Highly Sensitive
Many parents suspect their child may be highly sensitive, but aren’t entirely sure. Especially when children are very young or aren’t very skilled at identifying their feelings or triggers, it may be difficult to discern whether they carry the trait of High Sensitivity.
In my experience working with highly sensitive children over the past 21 years, I have found it useful to first examine the question of how a child reacts to their environment and other people. This is important because most parents understand the obvious ways a child may react to discomfort, such as crying or having a tantrum, but may not see certain other behaviors as a sign that a child is challenged by their sensitivity. Many sensitive children don’t necessarily let you know in an outward manner that they are feeling overwhelmed. Without a clear behavior cue, a parent may not even be aware that their sensitive child is becoming dysregulated or overstimulated.
Reactions generally occur on a continuum of behavior which I refer to as the Internalizer-Externalizer continuum. It is important to identify a child’s default responses on this continuum, in order to truly understand what their experiences are of the world around them.
An Internalizer tends to demonstrate overwhelm by disconnecting or dissociating from their environment. This may look like a child is often “spacing out” or daydreaming. While some moments of this are normal for any child during a typical day, a highly sensitive child may do this so often that they appear to be unable to concentrate or focus, or they may have difficulty engaging with others because they are so involved with their internal world. When asked, Internalizers often deny that anything is bothering them or have difficulty naming their feelings or understanding them. For example: if they are reminded by a teacher to pay attention in class, they may display avoidance or anxiety to the point they are unable to respond. This may lead them to feel ashamed of themselves or judge themselves harshly, which then makes their anxiety worse. Internalizers try hard to please others, so if they are reprimanded they will often not even mention their worries or overwhelm, and will instead try to suppress their emotions and just do as they are told. This may look like they are coping successfully, but in the long run it will create a pattern of disconnection and invalidation of the child’s true nature.
An Externalizer is more obviously overwhelmed than an Internalizer, as they will become more outwardly reactive. Externalizers may yell, throw things, cry, tantrum, or even become physically aggressive towards others. Often it is difficult to tell exactly what provokes these reactions because they are responses to environmental or situational triggers that others may not even notice. For example, an Externalizer may suddenly melt down in the middle of an activity, and his mother may not have even noticed that this was right after she called upstairs to his father. Her louder-than-usual voice overwhelmed her son’s sound sensitivity, but all she knows in the moment is that he was playing by himself just fine and then the next second he was having a huge tantrum. As can be expected, Externalizers are often labeled as “problems” in community settings such as classrooms and child-care centers. This does them a great disservice, as it often furthers their dysregulation and isolates them from the nurturing and understanding that they need to come back to a calm state.
Many highly sensitive children show a diverse range of responses to overwhelm, but will have a default response that shows itself more often. Once you are clear on your child’s default response along the Internalizer-Externalizer continuum, it may be somewhat easier to identify the situations which trigger an episode of overwhelm. It is important to make every effort to engage your child in the investigation process, asking questions and making your own guesses about what may have triggered their response. Explain that you are trying to help them identify the triggers/causes so that you can work together to make plans about how to cope with those triggers. Over time, this will encourage your child to pay more attention to their internal experience and advocate for their own needs.
If you suspect you may have an Internalizer or an Externalizer, but aren’t sure how best to support them, below are examples of how coaching may support Internalizers and Externalizers:
A three-year-old often bites, hits and kicks her mother, with other caregivers seeing this behavior very rarely. The mother wonders what she’s doing wrong, and feels like she is a bad parent because this only happens with her. After a few family coaching sessions, she shifts her perception of this behavior to seeing it as a sign that her child is dysregulated, rather than evidence of a growing negative relationship with her child. We realize that her child is an Externalizer, who somehow “holds it together” around her sensitivities at child care and then expresses her overwhelm to mother once they are home and the child is safe to let her guard down. We identify that the child could use some cooling down time between child care and home, so we make a plan for mother and daughter to take a quiet walk around the neighborhood before getting in the car. This helps the child calm down after feeling overstimulated by the noise and bustle of child care, and results in a much more peaceful return home at the end of the day.
A ten-year-old Internalizer seems to prefer to play with his video games rather than engage with his family. Though his parents try to limit the time he spends on the games, they are often focused on the boy’s brother, who has significant medical needs and requires constant care. The ten-year-old seems to alternate between helping his parents with his brother and playing his video games, and does not seem very happy otherwise. When having meals together he won’t talk much, and at school he also keeps to himself. His teacher describes him as a A-student who is often “in his own world.” Through a series of coaching sessions, we discover that this boy is highly empathic. He feels the pain of his brother’s medical condition and his parents’ persistent grief and overwhelm. He feels he has to caretake his family but sometimes this is just too much, so he tries to emotionally cut off from them through his video games. Through our individual work together he learns tools to manage his empathy and reduce his feelings of responsibility for taking care of the rest of his family. In our family coaching sessions, he then demonstrates to his parents the strategies he has learned and we get them to practice the strategies with him. His parents also work out a plan to alternate care of the brother so that they each get more 1-1 time with the ten-year-old. At least twice per week (once for each parent), they have a special outing with him of his choosing. They decide to try out different types of activities to see what may interest him. Overall, they notice he is more animated and engaged with them, he smiles more often, and he is better able to express his own feelings and needs.
For additional information, check out the other resources on this page; there are numerous videos and blogs that may offer you insight into your child’s behavior. If you feel coaching may be needed to support your child and family, I would be happy to talk with you.
Carolina is an active and proud member of the Sensitive Empowerment Community! Learn more about this wonderful group through Julie Bjelland’s website at https://www.fatfreecartpro.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=342244&c=ib&aff=383793
